It was never a choice.

fag.org

We’ve all heard people say that being gay is a lifestyle choice.  I know that some people sincerely believe this and I don’t fault them for their ignorance because they never walked in my shoes.  I, on the other hand, have walked in their shoes because I had to live and be someone else for a period in my life.  Being gay, openly, was not done in some places with any level of tolerance and you were best to keep your private life to yourself.

I’m not going to go into a bunch of details but I want to just relate some experience as casually as possible without offending people with too many details.  So that being said let me give you a bit of background.

Before I was a teenager I had already had little experiences as a kid does growing up.  It doesn’t happen to everyone but it does happen to quite a few kids growing up where sexual encounters, innocent as they are in most cases, do happen with younger kids.  Even before they’re teens.  It’s human nature.  We are all part of the animal kingdom and like it or not, some things are built in.  They’re instinct.

I don’t dwell upon the memories and as I’m writing this it’s literally been decades the last time I even thought about my childhood and the events that stand out relating to intimate encounters.  I just know that I had encounters with some boys and some girls like most kids have growing up.  Most of us can relate to these things.  We don’t like to talk about it but with as many stories and as many people as I’ve met and talked to over the decades since I’ve been online, one thing I am certain of is that I’m as normal as anyone else and gay or straight a great many of us share the same types of experiences to varying degrees.

I never made a choice to be gay.  I don’t know a single friend of mine that I can ever say has made a choice to be bisexual.  Not one that made a choice to be straight.  Not one person have I known my entire life that I’ve asked has ever offered an answer defining why they are who they are when it comes to their attractions.  We don’t make a choice about that.  Whatever combination of events or genetics or whatever it might be, not a single person can say they made a choice because we all just are who we are and like it or not we have to accept that at some point or struggle our whole lives being something and someone that we’re not.

When I was growing up violence towards gay people wasn’t uncommon.  We heard about kids in school that were supposedly gay and they were treated with contempt and outright hatred.  They were outcasts.  I knew one such boy and we were never really friends but we knew one another.  As a matter of fact he was the very first person I ever had intimate contact with and it ended up being something that happened once and then not again for nearly a decade when we encountered one another again.  But that experience with him made me understand who I was and it scared the crap out of me at the time.

Many younger people that might read this will never be able to truly relate to what I and those my age went through in many cases.  You get to live your lives out in the open with society relatively protective over your rights to be unharmed in schools and laws being passed that make it truly scary to commit crimes against you.

Most of you will never know what it means to be scared to be out because a deadly gay disease is killing your kind.  That God supposedly was sending a disease to wipe you off the face of the planet.  That’s what we were told and that is what some of us truly believed.  So if God didn’t curse us with a disease someone was liable to beat us and leave us to die in the streets or on a country road somewhere.

I struggled trying to be someone I wasn’t for a long time.  I had several girlfriends but unknown to them I had secret hookups with other guys as well.  I longed for it, it was where I was happy.  I knew who I was attracted to but I never defined that, it just was what it was and I had no reason to believe otherwise.  Still, I was scared and lived in a constant state of denial.  I lied to a girl I sincerely love, still to this day.  Her first daughter has my last name and we’re still after all these years the very best of friends.  But I lied to her and I nearly married her too.  But I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t who I was meant to be.

So if you think I made a choice to be gay, I’d simply ask you..  Why did you choose to be straight?  Why did you choose to be bisexual?  You can’t sincerely tell me that you made that choice.  If you say you can I say you’re lying to yourself.

 

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